Surrender is hard. I know it because as a coach, I see how people show up at their rock bottom and committed to change, and others are still afraid of letting go of their old habits and that’s perfectly ok and normal.
We might know something is off around our food and eating behaviors, but maybe we are not there yet. Maybe it isn’t bad enough. Maybe we can still keep controlling our food, then binging often, but somehow we feel like this “balances out,” and that we can continue to bare this cycle.
Maybe we realize we are always on a diet. Maybe we are starting to become aware of the “food police.” That voice in our mind that tells us carbs are maybe sugar are forbidden every time we need to make a food choice.
So we ask, what can I eat? What should I eat? Instead of asking WHAT THE HECK DO I WANT AND WHAT WOULD I LOVE RIGHT NOW? WHAT WOULD SATISFY ME?
So we pick between our limited, constrained options.
And as a consequence, we begin to think more and more about what we cannot have…more food, more of those forbidden foods.
We set ourselves up for failure the more food rules we have, and the more we listen to our own toxic dieter mind.
We try intuitive eating as a first step to heal, maybe once or twice, and we feel our wants again. Maybe our body wants pasta, then the food police says to us “pasta will make you gain weight, you cannot have pasta.”
So you listen to the food police because the voice is still so strong, because it hasn’t been challenged enough.
You go for the proteins and vegetables instead of the pasta.
You wonder why it’s so difficult to be an intuitive eater.
And here is my message for you, my love…
If you are here, if you are getting stuck, this is what I want to tell you.
Surrender is key. Believing a different approach aside from the one you have been trying over and over again with the same results (self hatred, another binge, counting calories for the rest of your days) is key.
Surrender doesn’t mean you are “letting yourself go,” it means CLAIMING YOUR OWN POWER AGAIN.
The concept of “letting yourself go” was created by diet culture and a billion dollar diet industry wanting to profit out of your insecurities and wanting to keep you purchasing their products.
The voice saying “I cannot have this and if I do all hell will break loose” isn’t YOU.
This isn’t the REAL you. These are all your toxic thoughts telling you that you need to follow food rules. For example, your toxic message is “Carbs are bad because they will make me gain weight.” The truth is carbs are NOT bad. It’s just food. And the more you recognize that these thoughts are taking over your head, but they are not the real you, the better you can SEPARATE from the toxic negative thoughts.
Does this make sense?
When you prohibit yourself from eating all foods and all food groups, this is making your life small and your day narrow. When we get free, life gets BIG again.
The food police voice is just FEAR blocking you from your real intuitive wants and needs. It is the food rules and the toxic thoughts telling you that “skinny” is the only option perhaps.
Those thoughts make your life small and dark and remove you from really satisfying yourself in life.
Again, you might think that if you surrender, you will start to eat more and more and then you will “gain weight.”
But, let’s think about the times you were at your thinnest. Maybe you thought being skinny would make you happy, maybe you thought that being the shape you want in your body would make you more confident…but did it?
Or was it a full time job to control your food and keep track of calories so that you could keep that weight and size?
There IS another approach.
Do you want to keep fighting your body, instincts, and metabolism, or do you want your recovery and PEACE OF MIND? That is the real question.
The problem isn’t your body weight…the problem is your mind, and that you believe the toxic negative thoughts that try to convince you you will only be happy if you are a specific weight and size!
That is not true.
“But Carolina, I feel safer when I’m in control!” you might say…
I did too. But it was a false sense of control.
I understand that this makes you feel safe because I was there. I lived either on a diet and counting calories, or planning what I would binge on, then hiding and binging. My life was small. I had no self esteem. I felt like I was hiding a secret.
Yup, I was safe… in a very small and feeling miserable sort of way.
But this isn’t being “safe,” being in control is NOT being “safe.” It is putting yourself in a prison every day. A safe prison. Being free is worth it and you can do this!!!!
Allowing yourself to FEEL and stand up for your needs around food and life is an amazing process! YOU HAVE SO MUCH LIFE AHEAD OF YOU!!!
“I still don’t trust in myself. I need something external saying to me what is the right food to eat.”
All foods are the right food. You do trust yourself, we all have an instinct and a basic intuition. You just DON’T trust the toxic negative thoughts saying you are bad or scaring you into thinking weight gain is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.
You need to trust that you can HANDLE those thoughts. When the thoughts come up, you can CHALLENGE THEM. You can say, LEAVE ME ALONE TOXIC THOUGHTS, YOU JUST WANT TO KEEP ME IN THIS PRISON, or you can journal when they come up.
You CAN trust yourself. You will grow!
Separate your real beautiful, charming self ( the person you used to be BEFORE your eating disorder) from the toxic negative thoughts, and you will start to get free.
“This also happens in all fields of my life, Carolina! I can’t make the decisions about my life, so my family makes the decisions for me.”
This is another reason to try this new practice! Following your intuition around food and seeing how you can also follow it in your own life.
“I just got a little voice in my mind that says “ if you eat this food, you’ll gain fat. You can’t eat it” or “ eat less and less otherwise you’ll gain fat”. THE VOICE IS NOT YOU. You want to be beautiful and healthy and not miserable anymore. The voice wants to trick you so that you think if you are skinny you are happy…and that is a HUGE LIE.
“It means that when I’m eating, my mind says to stop and not to eat anymore, even if I’m hungry.” Follow your hunger then..it’s ok. Your intuition will lead you. 🙂
“So I become nervous and I’m obsessed on what I ate.” Again, this is your dieter brain. Challenge it!
“One of the main reason for my food issues is the relationship with my body. I don’t like it. I’d like to be thinner and I don’t like my legs. I would have long and slim legs. I tried to change my legs anyway but I can’t.”
This is crucial. This is the real issue my love. You need to work on body acceptance now. It doesn’t have to be love. You can just accept that right now your body is what it is. You can join body positive communities. You can go on a social media diet and STOP picking skinny role-models. Hating yourself has gotten you nowhere. Also, skinny people are miserable too. You were the most miserable when you were skinny. You were just crazy and insane and still didn’t like your life. Find body positive models. Find beautiful women with curves and follow them on social media. Find women who have similar legs or arms and have similar shapes than yours and who happily love their bods.
“True, I know I’m constantly struggling with the food because I really don’t like myself, I would change my body and myself. Every time I’m eating I want the food to fill another body.”
I understand, but being a certain weight and size and wanting to control your food to get there only made you miserable, obsessed, and it probably made you feel a little crazy. This happened to me too.
Imagine how life could look like if you could eat and food had no power over you. If you could eat and forget about food. If you could eat anything you liked without the voice in your brain saying “you are bad, you will get fat” bla blaaaa…
What would you do…what else would you focus on? Let’s think of a future where there is hope and life gets better! Focus on your dream and mindset. Why do you want to recover? Why do you want your life back?
“I know I have to work on acceptance of myself and my body but it’s very difficult and I don’t know I can do it because there’s no limit to my hatred.”
You need to work on this. This is crucial. Don’t love but at least accept that your life will get so much better once you accept. Start connecting negative ideas to being skinny instead of connecting it to this idea of happiness. Happiness is NOT directly related to being thin AT ALL.
“ I think I’ll never change my mind.”
You will! Because you are doing the best you can! You are a precious soul and you are getting there!! Keep at it. This is a practice!
It takes surrender. It takes realizing our previous behaviors and habits were not working and kept us stuck. It takes really seeing how small your life gets when food has so much power…
Then we surrender.
We get free.
P.S: If you want me to guide you through this process, fill out an application here and we can see if 1 to 1 coaching is a right fit for you.